Wednesday, 21 May 2014

The truth about September 2013

I'm going to apologise about this post in advance. It's going to be a deep, crappy one and for that I am awfully sorry.

I've been looking through old messages I have from a variety of different people all from around the same time last year. It's really made me think and I realised that I have learned so much - which I guess is good. 

September last year was easily the worst month of my life - not because I came out of a relationship (that was pretty good actually because neither of us were happy) but because of the bullying (and yes I went there) that began after it. 

The guy I split up with last year decided to try to convince everyone that I was a psychopath - not that he'd know because he wasn't a doctor - and for some reason a hell of a lot of people believed him. I felt out of place at sixth form, and I skived for 3 days because I couldn't face seeing the people who I knew hated me. Now I know 3 days is hardly 'hardcore', but considering the fact that I hadn't missed that many days in my previous 5 years of school, it was pretty bad. I was going through a horrendous time in my life. I lost my Auntie Do days after what had happened, after losing another Auntie, an Uncle and my Grandad in just the 2 years beforehand. I had people messaging me telling me that my Great Auntie's death was karma for being a (and I quote) 'crazy psycho bitch'. I don't care what had happened - to say that is low. Around this time, I was also diagnosed with depression. This is something that only my family and boyfriend know about. None of my friends know this, because I didn't want this illness to define me. For some reason, admitting it through a computer screen is so much easier than admitting it to their faces. 

So yeah, as you can probably tell September last year wasn't so great, but after that month things did start to look up. I was still getting hateful messages but these slowly waned after I deactivated my Facebook account and managed to learn how to take them on the chin. I was still being told by friends about how people I didn't even know would slag me off and call me a psycho, however. I then understood that if people spend their time talking about me, then I must be pretty damn special, because they'd have their own problems but still choose to think and talk about me. I have one thing to say to that - get a life :-):-)

Well to this, I have something I need to say. I am more than happy to admit that I overreacted a hell of a lot of times in my previous relationship, but everyone has only been told one side of the story. Nobody knows that amount of suffering that I went through. I am, however, not going to turn this blog into a slanging match - there has been far too much of that in my life. When in relationships, I like to think of myself as a mirror. If I am treated like shit, then I will treat you like shit back. If you're a dick to me, I'll be a bitch to you. This explains why our relationship was so shit; it was a two way street. 

To go on from my mirror analogy, it works now with my fantastic boyfriend. He treats me amazingly and I know he would never do anything to hurt me. We've never had anything even close to an argument, and do nothing but laugh, smile (and sleep) when we are together. We're even going on holiday in Summer because I was sad that I wasn't going to get one this year. He is the sweetest person alive and checks that I am okay every single morning. which really does mean the world to me. He really has restored my faith in the male species and shown me that not everyone is selfish and arrogant and will twist the truth to make you look evil. 

I just want people to know that I am, in no way, a psychopath and please do not believe anyone who tells you this (you know who you are). I am a great believer in letting the past stay where it belongs. I give people second chances to be friends but never anything more than that. I'm not sure why, it's just something I do. I wish I could just be friends with everyone and stop the hate that goes around in this world, but unfortunately that is just not possible. 

And with the end of this blog, all the negative feelings I have about what happened and every single person who was involved are gone. I am turning a new page and all of that is behind me. This doesn't mean I like any of you, but it also doesn't mean I hate you. 

Okay, enough of the crappy, confessional rant. I am sorry everyone, but I just hope that you can understand why I have done the things I have done, and please don't judge me for my past. It's now time for the future to start, and with that I have my Nazi Germany exam tomorrow which really needs more essay planning. Wish me luck! 

I shall be back after my exams (16th June) with happy blogs, I promise! Until then, TTFN! :D 

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